Throughout our daily lives, we are faced with having to make decisions that will inevitably affect others. Whether at home with our family, functions with our friends, or in our organization with coworkers, we must make decisions impacting stakeholders to some degree. However, many of us make independent decisions without considering the perspectives of others. Stewart Levine recognized these common occurrences and developed a seven-step model to achieve successful resolution producing effective agreements. The aptly named “Cycle of Resolution” model “takes you through the inevitable conflicts, back to a state of resolution and productivity” (Levine, 2009, p. 39). Collaboration is one of many important aspects woven throughout this model to help facilitate a viable outcome.
I was already anxious about my oldest son Anthony’s high school education when he in elementary school. My wife believed my concern to be premature since we had plenty of time until he reached ninth grade. My anxiousness stemmed from when we were faced with the decision on which school Anthony would attend a few years prior. I felt the public school close to our house provided an excellent education and it was free. However, my wife advocated to send him to a private Catholic school which was very expensive. I understood the value a Catholic school provided as my wife and I both attended Catholic grade schools. Yet, I was confident that we could monitor his public school education all while indoctrinating him into the Catholic faith. We had many point-counterpoint discussions and despite both of our budgetary concerns, we came to an agreement for him to attend the private Catholic school.
Anthony visited a few high school open houses last year to help him get an idea of where he may want to attend. He, of course, fell in love with the most expensive Catholic Preparatory high school in our city. The tuition of this school rivaled some college universities. Reality set in for my wife and the anxiety I experienced about six years ago was now being shared equally amongst the both of us. I plead my case that his Catholic school education more than prepared him to attend public high school and that we simply could not afford to send him where he wanted. While my wife agreed the tuition would be difficult if not impossible she was still not swayed by my argument. She believed we could find a way to make it work. Part of me wanted to have the ability to force him to go to the public school and I assumed that my wife had the same posture about the Catholic high school. As parents, we knew this had to be a joint decision, but unfortunately, we came to the conclusion to agree to disagree.
Recently, Anthony took advantage of the opportunity to shadow at the high school he wanted to attend and did not enjoy the experience. This was difficult to hear considering he already had so much apparel representing this high school as if it was a guarantee he was attending. He then shadowed at the other Catholic Preparatory high school and absolutely loved it. The tuition was less expensive, but not my very much. We recommended he shadow at the original high school thinking he may have just been unlucky. However, he had no doubt that he did not want to attend after his second shadow. I suggested he shadow at the public high school and both my wife and Anthony reluctantly agreed. He completed his shadow program at the public high school and told us it was his favorite. He made up his mind and that is where he wanted to attend. My wife was beyond displeased as she already had Anthony getting lost in the system and falling in with the wrong crowd to be doomed for college. We had a long discussion about the pros and cons of him attending this public high school. She still had some residual thoughts about forcing Anthony to a Catholic high school, but she became more accepting of his decision.
A few days later Anthony came to us and after giving such an important decision more thought, he believed he liked the public school for the wrong reasons, such as the girls and freedom. Even though the Catholic high school was only for boys, he knew it was going to best prepare him for college. My first thought was how impressed I was with his maturity and independence to make such a big decision on his own. This of course was followed by the sheer terror of paying for the tuition. Nonetheless, after further discussions with my wife, I knew it would be an excellent investment into my child’s education and future.
Collaborating with my wife was obviously key to the outcome. We both shared a vision of success for Anthony even though we initially had different ideas on the path to get there. Levine (2009) defines agreement “as: (1) a joint vision; (2) the product of an effective conflict resolution process; or (3) the foundation for a successful new team, partnership, or relationship” (p. 162). We are blessed to have reached an agreement that not only aligned with our vision but more importantly with Anthony’s vision. If I were to go through this situation again I would have involved Anthony more in the decision-making process. I think as parents, being older and wiser with a “been there done that” attitude, we believe we know what is ultimately best for our child. Yet once again we were humbled by a lesson from our young son in how he was fully capable of making the decision on his own. Our youngest son is not far behind and we will be there to assist him with his decision when the time comes; not control his decision to satisfy our needs. We will also allow him to share his story and actively listen to ensure a viable outcome because “all concerns and interests should be accommodated in the resolution” (Levine, 2009, p. 137).
Reference:
Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution: Turning conflict into resolution. (2nd edition). Williston, VT: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
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