As a young boy, my mother would tell me what time I needed to be home every evening when I went out to play with my friends. I remember sometimes racing home on my bike because I knew I was late. I would turn the street corner and be pedaling as fast as I could hoping that somehow she would not notice. I was rarely that fortunate. It was more common to see her standing in front of my house with her arms crossed as I pulled in the driveway. The angry expression on her face becoming clearer as I approached. She did not have to say a word because her body language spoke volumes. McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) suggests “understanding our body language is essential because over 50 percent of a message’s impact comes from body movements” (p. 59).
I interviewed for a position in my organization about six months ago. I felt I did very well on the interview; providing some great responses and really selling myself. I also made a conscious effort to be aware of my body language (sit up straight, both feet on the floor, look at the interviewers I as speak). I wanted my body language to be congruent to what I was telling them. McKay et al. (2009) state that “the key to nonverbal communication is congruence” and “awareness of incongruence in your own nonverbal messages can make you a much more effective communicator” (p. 60). Despite my efforts, I did not get the job. However, I asked for feedback so I could better prepare myself for future interviews. I only received a response from one of three interviewers, but I nearly fell off my chair when I read it. Below is an excerpt from one area of the many questions.
Interviewer: “For two of the questions, after the question was asked, you said, “I love these.” You then rolled your eyes and shook your head. You gave the impression that we were wasting your time with the questions”.
My response: “I feel awful that I came across that way because in no way did I feel you were wasting my time. The unconscious eye roll must have been my frustration showing through because I thought the questions were difficult. My “I love these” response was sarcasm directed at how much I really dislike those questions. I’m glad you mentioned that because I need to practice better self-control and know my sarcasm may be misinterpreted”.
Lesson learned. An interview is not the place to assume people know me well enough to understand my lighthearted sarcasm. Going forward, I must concentrate on sending congruent verbal and nonverbal messages. My verbal language and body language must be consistent with each other.
Sometimes my wife calls me and asks “Where are you?” It used to be like nails on a chalkboard every time she would ask that question. I would feel like a child responding to his mother and become defensive. This reaction of course, led to some sort of, let’s just say tiff or minor disagreement. McKay et al. (2009) discuss paralanguage and the elements involved. Paralanguage is the verbal component of speech and the element applicable to my case is pitch. The pitch of my wife’s question would sound like “Where are you?”; where’s pitch being emphasized. I perceived the question as accusatory or as a metamessage. The metamessage is the second level of meaning to a statement or question. It often communicates the speaker’s attitudes and feelings. McKay et al. (2009) suggest that “on the surface, a statement may seem reasonable and straightforward, but underneath, the metamessage communicates blame and hostility” (p. 75). However, my wife consistently insisted that was never the case. I learned to change my reaction when I hear her ask that question. In turn, I provide her an answer and we simply move forward with the conversation; avoiding an argument.
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages the communication skills book.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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